5 Reasons Why Carer's Don't Ask for Help

It’s not what you think.

Carers are not simply too independent, stubborn or prideful to ask for help.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone said to me, “You just need to learn to ask for help…”

It’s not that simple.

Carers need support not sympathy.

When a carer shares a struggle and the response is pity (sympathy) it creates disconnection because it suggests that our life is somehow ‘less’. Our lives are different; not less and our challenges are not ‘worse’ but, different.

Carer’s learn daily to accept, embrace and find joy in their ‘different’ life so when someone suggests either by word or action they “feel sorry for us” it reinforces a sense of isolation.

Instead: Empathy (not sympathy) is always welcome!

Most carer’s have experienced reaching out for help only to feel the judgement that often masquerades as concern.

Reaching out is like a leap of faith because we can’t anticipate another person’s response.

Will they judge me for my messy home? Will they tell other people I’m ‘not coping’ or offer unwanted advice about time management or discipline if I share I’m not okay?

Instead: Listen and ask what you can do to help (as it might be different to what you think you should do to help) and always choose kindness.

Sometimes carer’s don’t ask for help because they are concerned it will come across they don’t value or love their child. Often carers won’t admit their challenges because they are trying to protect their child from the judgement of others (especially true with challenging behaviors) or from their child feeling bad about themselves because they are struggling.

This one is complex (more later).

Instead: Understand how important it is for carers to protect the dignity of their child and respect how much information they are willing to share about their experience.

Studies showed that carers have similar levels of cortisol (stress hormone) to war veterans. When we also consider many parents of neuro-diverse kids are also neuro-diverse, we are dealing with super high levels of anxiety that can make carers feel more anxious than others about relying on others for help / support.

Will they turn up on time? What happens if they don't show up? Will they connect with my child? What if they don’t understand what my non-speaking child is trying to communicate? What if they don’t keep them safe? What if something goes wrong?

There are just so many variables we can’t control when relying on others that sometimes it seems easier to struggle alone than to ask for help.

Instead: Understand the unique anxiety that carer’s experience so please be reliable, consistent and willing to hear their concerns and learn.

It takes a lot of time and organization to schedule & manage therapy, medical appointments & supports on top of a busy life. Sometimes carer’s are so busy with the daily demands that adding anything to life (even help) is next level and too much. Carer’s are not refusing support when they say no to an offer, they are simply creating boundaries.