Control vs Connection - Why it matters
Feb 20, 2023
"He doesn't listen to anything I say"........
"I ask him to pick his shoes up and he won't do it"....
"I tell him to stop running at the shops and he just keeps going"....
"I just can't control my kids...."
When I was a new mum, I was convinced my child's level of obedience correlated with my parenting skills.
The truth? Every child comes with a unique personality, temperament and brain that may or may not be wired like yours.
This means some children are naturally easy-going and more compliant than others.
It also means that neuro-diverse children may have good reasons why the expectation of obedience is a challenge including difficulties with auditory processing and executive functioning.
But, the question is:
Should our parenting goal be to control our child?
No parent sets out with 'control' in mind. But, society often defines parental success by the level of obedience or compliance seen in children.
Do we really want to control our children or do we want to appear in control of our children to avoid the judgement of others?
One reason why we get frustrated with our kids is because their disobedience (or defiance) challenges our identity as a 'good parent'. So, we fight harder and our voices get louder as we try to take back 'control' so, we can tell ourselves we are a 'good parent' or appear like a 'good parent' to others.
But, some children are wired with high levels of anxiety related to perfectionism (or people pleasing) so they mask their real thoughts & feelings to appear compliant leading to poor emotional health.
Some kids are different and don't respond to traditional parenting.
Does that mean you are a bad parent? NO! It means behavior is complex!
We could also ask ourselves: Do we want obedience or compliance?
Compliance is about following rules but obedience is about respect.
Respect is built through connection.
So, if we want 'obedient' kids then the answer is not to get harsher and stronger and more controlling but to build an emotionally healthy connection with our child.
When we change our parenting goal to "connection" then our priority becomes protecting and preserving the relationship.
We learn to listen and understand and our child feels heard and understood.
When they feel connected to us, they are more likely to listen to what we have to say.
But.....even if they don't and our parenting goal is "connection" we will find ourselves less frustrated by any percieved disobedience and more likely to find a way to love them through it.
Go easy on yourself. Behavior is complicated.
Sing out if you need some support.
If you are a carer and would like to connect with other like-minded people you are invited to join "Hope & Harmony Community" for Neuro-diversity & Disability.
