Empowering Kids: What NOT to do when working on Self-Regulation
May 26, 2024In today's world, supporting our children to develop emotional regulation skills is more important than ever. Emotional regulation is a critical component of a child's overall development and well-being. When kids can effectively navigate their emotions they are better equipped to handle stress, build strong relationships, and face inevitable challenges with resilience.
In this blog post, we look at what NOT do when supporting our kids to develop their self-regulation or emotional regulation.
Firstly, what is self-regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to manage and control one's emotions, thoughts, and behaviors in various situations. It involves staying focused, handling stress, and adapting to changing circumstances, enabling individuals to respond to challenges in appropriate ways. It is a goal for most of us!
How do we know if our child has 'met this goal'?
Measuring a child's progress in developing self-regulation involves observing and assessing several key behaviors and skills. Here are some indicators to look for:
- Emotional Awareness: The child can recognize and label their own emotions accurately.
- Impulse Control: The child demonstrates the ability to pause and think before acting, showing reduced impulsivity.
- Coping Strategies: The child uses appropriate coping mechanisms to manage stress, frustration, and other strong emotions.
- Problem-Solving Skills: The child effectively identifies problems and considers solutions rather than reacting impulsively.
- Flexibility: The child can adapt to changes in routine or expectations without significant distress.
- Focus and Attention: The child can maintain focus on tasks and shift attention when necessary without becoming overly distracted.
- Delayed Gratification: The child shows the ability to wait for a desired outcome or reward without becoming overly anxious or upset.
- Social Interactions: The child interacts with peers and adults in a respectful and cooperative manner, demonstrating empathy and conflict resolution skills.
- Behavioral Regulation: The child exhibits appropriate behaviors in various settings, such as home, school, and social situations.
The reality is however, that this is a lifelong goal for all of us - not just our children.
As parents, we want to manage our stress better, yell less and not feel overwhelmed. We may need help managing our own emotions too.
When we understanding we are in this together - we can respond with more understanding and empathy. It also helps relieve pressure of achieving the 'goalof self-regulation' once we recognise it is a lifelong process.
There are many ways to support our children to develop their self-regulation but, here are some things we often do which unintentionally sabotage our child's attempts to develop this.
1. We don't recognise when they are trying to self-regulate
Emotional Regulation looks different for all of us.
A child who stares into space may be experiencing an anxiety response (freeze) and need to do this to regulate. But, we often interrupt this by trying to get their attention or telling them to "Snap out of it".
Self-regulation can look retreating or disengaging as well as seeking big movements.
2. We intrude or interrupt their attempts to self-regulate
This is true when a child is stimming.
Stimming, short for self-stimulatory behavior, refers to repetitive movements or sounds that neuro-divergent individuals, use to self-soothe or regulate their sensory input. Examples include hand-flapping, rocking, or repeating certain words or phrases.
The old therapeutic recommendation was to try and stop the behavior as if it was 'wrong' or 'bad'. Thankfully, we now have so much more research and information to draw upon to empower us as parents.
It can be tempting to tell a child to stop stimming. My daughter, Emma, has a vocal stim and it triggers a huge nervous system response in me and it's VERY hard not to tell her to stop. But, I recognise she needs to do this in order to 'feel better' so, I do my best.
3. We escalate the situation with our own emotional regulation challenges
This is what most of us do. Dysregulation is contagious. It is hard for us to stay regulated when our child is dysregulated. But, staying regulated allows us to offer co-regulation which helps to calm our child's nervous system instead of escalate the situation.
We, as parents, are the keys to developing our child's self-regulation through co-regulation.
If you'd like support in this area I encourage you to book a call. I'd love to chat!
With love xo
If you are a carer and would like to connect with other like-minded people you are invited to join "Hope & Harmony Community" for Neuro-diversity & Disability.