One of the biggest challenges we face as caring parents of children with (or without) diagnosis is ensuring their needs are met at school.

We often feel great trepidation and anxiety sending our child into an environment where their needs and behaviours may be misunderstood.  

I've personally sat through dozens of IEP (or advocacy) meetings with families and have attended a few frustrating ones with my own children. 

But, here's what I've learned.......

1. Seek First to Understand.....

In order to effectively advocate for our child, we need to understand the school's perspective and position.

It is important to recognise that school is a system designed to educate en masse. 

This means its successful functioning is dependent on every student being the same, learning the same content at the same time, performing at the same level developmentally and conforming to the same expectations. 

So, what happens when we have a child that is different?

A child that is NOT the same.

The reality is that our child poses a problem that threatens the functioning of the system. 

This is REALLY important to understand as it helps us recognise WHY we encounter so much resistance when trying to advocate for our child's INDIVIDUAL needs. 

Simply put: The system was never designed to accomodate ''individuals". 

This means staff, although kind & well-intentioned, have a role to defend the 'whole' or group (class) in preference to the individual needs of our child. 

This is why we hear.....

"But, what about all the other children in the class?"

"We can't accommodate him here...he should go to a special school"

" That (accommodation) wouldn't be fair to the other children...."

"We can't do that......."

When we consider the position of the school, it helps build understanding.

This understanding helps inform us how best to approach discussions.

Both positions are valid: But, our goals & objectives are different. 

Schools goal: To protect & preserve the function of the system (whole)

Parents goal: For our child to be safe, included and have their needs met (individual)

Most frustration in life is caused by blocked goals. 

In this case,  the school blocks our goals as parents which causes us frustation. Likewise, our child's needs (and perhaps our persistent advocacy) blocks the goals of the school system. 

So, what's the answer? 

2. Find the Common Goal

For the most part, teachers are kind and caring and may demonstrate empathy towards our situation through a desire to find a solution.

I've sat through meetings where there has been a true, whole-hearted openness to finding a solution and others that displayed a complete and cruel rejection of the parent's concerns.

If we can find a teacher or school leader that demonstrates a heart openness through a willingness to be flexible and accommodating then there is hope in a common goal! 

We must remember however, that teachers are bound by the expectations of their role within the system so, any accommodations need to be carefully negotiated. 

It can be helpful to find a staff member who is empathic to your experience or who has a positive connection with your child.

In my example, there was one teacher who liked my son and developed a trusted and positive relationship with him. This teacher shares my goal & has been a persistent advocate for him within a school where other staff haven't been as patient or understanding. 

3. Non-Violent Communication

Any parent who has sat through an IEP meeting knows the feeling of being judged, blamed and shamed for their child's behaviour. 

This can be frustrating when we clearly see the system has set them up for failure and yet, the school denies any responsibility. 

It hurts our heart when we hear that our child is just "too hard" or "too much".  

Emotions get involved. 

It's easy to react and either internalise the pain and allow it to build into resentment or explode with anger which may sabotage future attempts at advocacy. 

The way we communicate is important. 

Our tone, body language and the use of language can either move us towards our goals or away from them. 

School advocacy is a great example where adopting non-violent communication techniques can help us move closer towards our goal of our making school a safe & positive experience for our child. 

This includes: 

• Being respectful & Calm

• Focusing on our child's needs 

• Using "I" statements (avoiding "You" statements) 

• Being specific & objective

• Choosing language that reflects our openess to problem solving & collaboration

By implementing these strategies while we help our child develop their own self-advocacy skills, we can limit frustration while maintaining a positive relationship with the school community.

Remember: As a parent, you are the most important person in your child's life. You are also the expert of your own child and the one most equipped to decide what is best for them. Your voice at the table matters. Don't be afraid to speak up.