The Path to Confident Kids: Why It's Time to Ditch Traditional Approaches to Behaviour

We all want to raise kind, empathic kids who understand their capacity to contribute powerfully and meaningfully to the world around them.

We want them to grow to be confident, independent and socially responsible. 

But, could we be (unintentionally) undermining this goal in the way we approach behaviour? 

Just this week, I was promoting a community music program at an event and a little boy came and started smashing one of my drums with a smaller drum. I resisted the urge to call out to him to "stop".  I watched him for a moment hoping he would choose to stop on his own. He didn't and I was concerned he was going to break something so, I needed to address the behaviour. 

So, I very gently sat next to him, connected with eye contact and smiled. He immediately stopped banging and looked at me. I said, "I can see you really love playing loudly on the drums". Then I said, "I like playing loudly too. I like to use a drum stick or my hand (and I showed him how loudly I could play with my hand) so, I don't break the drum". I was about to offer him a choice (hand or stick) but, I didn't need to because he picked up a stick and began playing safely on the drum. 

I played with him for a few minutes then walked away and observed to see whether or not he would go back to smashing things on the drum but, he didn't. 

If I had yelled out to him to "stop" he may have stopped the behaviour but, I would've missed both a teacheable moment and an opportunity to connect with this cool kid who likes loud drums. 

Traditional Approaches to Discipline don't teach Respect, Independence or Responsibility

....They teach the opposite - they teach a complete dependence on adults to manage & control their behaviour. This means we are denying our kids the opportunity to develop skills necessary to take responsibility for their own behaviour. As a result, kids often have poor self-awareness, self-confidence which moves us toward a different set of challenging behaviours and away from our goal. 

Do you see what I'm saying? 

Traditional approaches such as threats, punishments & rewards primarly teach our child about power dynamics and who's the boss. They do not support our child to develop respect, empathy or social responsibility. 

So, what do we do instead? 

The hardest part is unlearning these traditional approaches.

As I said, my instinctive response to this child's behaviour was to say, "Stop" and I had to "stop" myself from reacting and take a moment to choose a different, more positive response. 

It takes time to develop new ways of thinking and change our own behavioural responses. But, when we have the end game (goal) in mind we can make small changes that move us towards supporting our children to be more empathic, confident, independent & socially responsible! 

I'm thankful to this little boy who reminded me of the power & effectiveness of respectful interactions to address tricky behaviours. 

In 12 weeks, I help caring parent with children with (or without) diagnosis find more postiive strategies for behaviour, family life & their caring role so they can have a happier, more connected family with less stress & overwhelm. Contact me to find out more.